During this past year’s NaNoWriMo, I hit a low spot. A really really low spot. And I wrote a blog entry where I quit (supposedly). I quit NaNo, I quit writing, I basicaly quit dreaming. And then later that day, I had a long conversation with my husband and I cried and I told him how important it all was to me and he told me why he hated NaNoWriMo so much (and he does hate it), and I felt better. A lot better. And then the next morning, I had to write. Really had to. Because I’m just. . . hardwired that way. I have to do it or I go crazy.
So I wrote a new blog post apologizing for the first. But when I check my blog stats, that day when I quit was the day that I got the most visits to my blog, ever. And that post continues to be the most clicked on entry in my whole blog (2nd place goes to the post entitled Bond Over Mommy’s Boobs. Bunch of pervs). So I’ve considered deleting the post. Because I sort of regret the whole thing. And I know that people come here and read that and think that I’m a quitter or something, and I’m not. So I think about deleting it.
And then I think, how many people out there only show one side of themselves to the public? I sort of think of this as my “official” blog, even though I sometimes talk about personal stuff. But mostly it’s writing. And other authors will sometimes say “writing is hard” or whatever. But they never really show it. They only blog on good days or they only talk about progress. Or maybe they’re the opposite and they only ever complain about stuff.
I don’t know. I look at that blog post, and I think about that day, and I just remember being heartbroken. And just feeling like the one person in the world that I wanted to support me was doing the opposite. And as much as I regret ever contemplating quitting, somehow it feels important to me that people see that I contemplated it. That they see that sometimes, it isn’t the writing part that’s hard. Sometimes it’s dealing with all the other crap that life throws at you.
And the really important part, to me, is that I got up the next day and got back to work. And maybe that’s really why I keep it. So that next time I think about quitting, I can look back and say, “Been there, done that. It doesn’t stick.” And then maybe I’ll get back to work.
Man. I think about the weirdest things on my way to work.