I cried before I went to work on Saturday. Not because I don’t like my job. I love my job. I get to meet cool people and help them make cool projects. And I really like everyone I work with. Plus, I’m a fan of the company in general.
The problem is, my heart is at home with my kids. And recently, I’ve had to increase my hours at work in order to help make ends meet. Which means more time away from them. Add in the stress of my husband’s back being hurt again and mix it all up with a little bit of exhaustion, and you get a mom crying as she nurses her baby before heading to the babysitter.
I think there may have been a little bit of “I’m taking my babies to a babysitter while I work for the first time” tossed in there, even though it was my mom that watched them. The bottom line is, I’m not coping well with working more hours. It feels like such a step backwards. I want to be home with my kids and part of the reason I got a job was to pay off our debts and get our finances in order so that I could be home with them, but I just keep working more and more and more. It’s getting hard to see the payoff and that makes it hard to keep in good spirits. I trust that God will help me get home, just because I feel very strongly that home is where He wants me to be. But so many days, that trust comes with a “Please, just tell me how and when so I can stop wondering.”
I can be impatient though, when I know a plan, so maybe it’s better that I don’t know how He’s going to achieve it. I’d try to rush things and probably ruin all of it.
Knowing that doesn’t make things any easier in the meantime, though.