Archive for the ‘sex’ Tag
I know it’s been a while since I posted anything, but this has seriously been crawling around in my brain insisting on coming out. So here I am.
Over the last week or so, I have seen a certain movie trailer at least a half-dozen times. Probably a lot more than that. The whole movie looks like something I wouldn’t be interested in. It hasn’t hinted at any plot and looks like it’s basically just a thinly veiled excuse to spend a couple hours watching people get drunk and do stupid things. But that seems to be the trend these days, so whatever. That doesn’t so much bother me. But there’s a short exchange in the trailer that got my attention every time. It goes like this:
Boy 1: She’s cute, right?
Boy 2: Yeah, she’s cute, but she’s not my type.
Boy 1: What’s your type?
Boy 2: Girls that want to have sex with me.
Then both boys appear to laugh at what is supposedly a joke. The first time I saw the trailer, I rolled my eyes and the cynical part of my brain that grew up in the World said “Ugh. That is so young guys these days.” The second time I saw the trailer, something just didn’t sit right. And after 4 or 5 times, that part of the trailer actually made me a little angry. Because I realized what was being said, not just between those two characters, but to every young man and woman watching the movie:
Girls, you are only as attractive to a man as your willingness to have sex with him. Boys, you are only worth as much as your ability to get girls to have sex with you.
Well, I have something to say to all the young men and women who are going to see that movie and hear that message, and you’ll have to pardon my language a little, because I’m just not sure I could get it across any other way.
Dammit, you are worth so much more than sex.
Girls. You are not the sum of your parts. You are not a vagina and a pair of tits and some legs. You are not just a blond or a brunette or a redhead. You are intelligent. You have hopes and dreams and fears and weaknesses. You enjoy hobbies. You probably like certain books. You have a family that has shaped your life. You have a past that has made you who you are. And you deserve to have a man care about all of that. You deserve someone who will meet your family and listen to the stories of your life growing up. You deserve someone who will value and respect your intelligence and encourage you to pursue your hobbies. You deserve someone who will be interested in your hopes and fears. Who will work to make your hopes come true and protect you from your fears. You deserve more than sex. And any man who thinks you aren’t his type because you don’t want to immediately have sex with him, does not deserve your time.
Boys. You are not the sum of your parts. Your worth is not measured by your penis or how it looks or how many women it’s been with. You are not measured by your likelihood to become an underwear model. You are intelligent. You have hopes and dreams and fears and weaknesses. You enjoy hobbies. You probably like certain books. You have a family that has shaped your life. You have a past that has made you who you are. And you deserve to have a woman care about all of that. You deserve someone who will meet your family and listen to the stories of your life growing up. You deserve someone who will value and respect your intelligence and encourage you to pursue your hobbies. You deserve someone who will hear your fears and weaknesses and not think less of you for them. You deserve someone who will hear your hopes and dreams and inspire you to achieve them. You deserve more than sex. And anyone who tells you that you aren’t a man because you haven’t had sex with enough women is leading you astray. You are worth more than the notches on your bedpost. Manhood is less about sex and more about taking responsibility for your actions.
I know that millions of young people across the country will see that movie. And they will hear those lines. And many of them will laugh. But it is far from funny. It is wrong. It sends a message that devalues every person that believes it. There is more to life than sex (and drinking). And you deserve to have all of it.
P. S. I know that there are those who will dismiss everything I just said at the mention of Jesus, so I’m putting this down here. But in my life, I have never found anyone who could give me all those things I deserve. I love my husband and he loves me, but neither of us are perfect. Jesus Christ was. And He knows you, down to every cell in your body. And He loves you more than any person will ever be capable of. If you don’t know Christ as your Savior and Lord, I would be more than happy to answer any questions you have or discuss it further. But if you don’t want to drag Jesus into the discussion, still know that you are worth everything I said and more.
I’m going to be honest. My marriage hasn’t been in the greatest of places in the last couple years. In fact, on more than one occasion, it almost ceased to exist. But I’m nothing if not stubborn. And I’m not much of a quitter either. So I’ve stuck it out, and luckily, so has my husband, so now we’re starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Most days. During all of this, however, I’ve come across a few resources that I found useful.
Simple Marriage: The guy who runs this blog is a marriage counselor. He occasionally runs marriage help classes online, as well as emailing free information. He talks a lot about communication, in particular, but he also blogs about simplifying your life, too. Our communication problems were more of a symptom than a cause, but I still found this helpful in trying to repair our communication so that we could begin to work on the real stuff.
Christian Nymphos: In a book I was reading lately, the author stated that no couple with a satisfying sex life ever came to him about getting a divorce. While it’s simplistic to think that changing your sex life can save a marriage, it’s still an important part of a healthy marriage. And they talk all about it here. have a position of the week and they discuss all sorts of sexual issues in a biblical context.
The Marriage Bed: Another Christian sex site. This one feels a little more WebMD-ish, but still has good information.
The Generous Wife: This site and it’s companion site, The Generous Husband, are both about how to be more generous and loving to your spouse. They give ideas and thoughts every day for how to show your spouse how much you love them. Some of the ideas were total flops in my marriage, but mostly because of love language issues.
Have a New Husband By Friday: This should maybe actually get it’s own post, since it’s a book, but it fits this so here it is. This book was a smattering of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, The Five Love Languages, and a bunch of other stuff that I’ve read on the other sites I listed. But the way it takes all those elements and presents them was totally new. And it also helped me to know that I was on the right track with the things I’d been trying over the last year and a half to fix things.
I also read a lot of blogs and websites that talked about being a better homemaker. They wouldn’t necessarily be helpful to a lot of marriages, but my husband is an Acts of Service person, so the state of my house is very important to how much he feels loved.
I hope this list of resources helps someone else that might be having issues in their marriage.
So, I’ll admit that I’ve been watcing The Secret Life of an American Teen. I’ve DVRed it from the first episode and they just started the second season. But I’m not going to watch it anymore. The premise is okay, and I know they’re trying to open up lines of communication between teens and parents about sex and all that. But I just don’t think the show is very well written. Even in the first season, I felt like some of the dialogue was hokey and uncomfortable. And the way the “Christians” in the show seem to set themselves apart from everyone else as though they’re better just irks me. I understand that certain morals are generally only adhered to by Christians, but when I say things like “I don’t drink,” I don’t follow it with “I’m a Christian.” The fact is, I don’t drink. Christian or not. But it seemed like every time someone in the show said something about not having sex, it was closely linked to a statement about being Christian. As if Christians are the only ones that don’t have sex. My own personal decision to not have sex until I was married had absolutely nothing to do with religion. And everything to do with being intensely aware of the consequences of my actions. My own parents only got married because they got pregnant. And that marriage fell apart 6 years and 2 more kids later. I think I can do better than that for my own kids. So I kept my legs closed until I’d chosen the person I could spend forever with. Nowhere in there, did I ever think, I don’t want to have sex because I’m a Christian.
And the dialogue just got worse with the new season. I was annoyed by how overly dramatic some of the characters were, but I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt because they’re 15 and my sister is 17, so I understand that Oh My God! Life is So Hard! It’s like, The World is Ending! But there’s a point where you have to draw the line. And I’m drawing it. When Grace’s mother and brother come home and ask where she is, Jack’s response is “She’s upstairs and she’s fine.” Now, this is the first point where I was like “wtf?” No one had any reason to think she wasn’t fine. Then her mother said, “He’s dead.” And once again, Jack’s reply makes me go “huh?” “No. No one’s dead. We just had sex.” Right. Because when someone tells me that someone’s dead, my response is “No, it’s all cool. We just had sex.” As if any guy in his right mind is going to tell their teenage girlfriend’s mom that they just had sex. And then the dialogue just gets worse from there as each set of characters hears the news in the most suspenseful way. None of which I thought was very suspenseful at all. The only real dialogue in the whole thing (in my opinion) was when the brother looked at his newly sexed sister and said “You killed him.” Which, to me, was the only realistic reaction to anything in the whole damn episode. I’ve really been trying my best to ignore the crappy overacting, the way too blunt dialogue, and the overall ridiculousness of the show. I figure anything that’s designed to actually have a point and spark discussion between parents and kids is a good thing. But at some point, you just have to demand that what you’re watching actually be good, too.
So I’ll be taking this one off my DVR list.